Spiritual Leadership Is Not the Right to Add Weight

You hear, “God put me in charge, so this is not open for discussion.” A new rule follows. You do more work, lose access to money, or stop calling someone you trust. If you object, your partner says you are resisting God. Picture a trail guide who keeps filling another hiker’s pack while carrying a light one. The guide still uses the title. Yet the title now shields an unfair load. Sacred words can do the same thing inside a relationship. The first task is not to win a Bible debate. It is to notice who gains power, who pays the cost, and whether disagreement is safe.

Key takeaways

• A rule becomes unsafe when sacred authority protects one partner’s power while placing the cost on the other.
• Spiritual abuse describes a pattern of religious control. It does not diagnose a person from an online description.
• Faith can support safety, but clergy training varies, so contact a confidential domestic violence advocate before seeking pastoral help.
• If disagreement brings fear, threats, tracking, force, sexual pressure, or money control, do not attempt a joint conversation.

Sacred language can turn a preference into a one-way rule

Partners may hold different beliefs about leadership in marriage. This article does not decide between complementarian and egalitarian views. First ask: Can each person speak, seek help, and choose without fear or punishment?

“Spiritual abuse” is a clinical and research framework for harm done through religious power. It can include mocking a partner’s beliefs, blocking religious practice, using Scripture to shame them, or using faith to excuse other abuse211. It can happen in an intimate relationship and is not limited to one faith or denomination11. The term names a pattern. It is not a diagnosis of a partner from a distance.

Coercive control is also a pattern, not one disagreement. Research models describe demands backed by a credible threat, surveillance, punishment, and the loss of ordinary freedom46. The demand may sound pious: “A faithful spouse would obey.” The threat may be divorce, loss of money, public shame, sex demanded as a duty, or a pastor being recruited to apply pressure. The key issue is not whether the rule uses religious words. It is whether those words remove the other person’s freedom and protect the rule-maker from the same cost.

Return to the trail guide. A guide may ask people to carry hard things. The role is abused when one person adds weight, will not share it, and punishes questions. Healthy spiritual influence stays accountable. It does not need fear, secrecy, or unequal rules.

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Safety comes before any talk about fairness

This is not a topic for confrontation. If retaliation is possible, do not challenge the rule, mention this article, or negotiate alone. Contact a confidential domestic violence advocate first. Leaving an abusive relationship can be one of its most dangerous periods, so a private safety plan matters714.

Fear of a partner, threats, monitoring or tracking, blocked exits, sexual pressure, physical force, or control of money are safety problems, not communication problems. Joint exercises can be unsafe in that situation. Seek confidential individual support first. Abuse is not a couple communication project. No joint exercise in this article applies when these signs are present612.

Use a safer device if your partner may monitor your activity. Choose one the person has never had physical or remote access to13. A trusted friend’s phone or a library computer may work. Do not remove a tracker, close an account, or change a shared setting without safety planning. A controlling person may react when access changes13.

Clergy training varies a great deal. A review of studies from the United States and many other countries found repeated gaps in clergy preparation, and repeated calls for more training. The same review notes that readiness has improved in recent decades1. Add a pastor only if trained in domestic violence. That pastor must protect privacy and not answer to your partner. A confidential advocate comes first. Loving your church or partner does not require giving either one control over your safety.

Joint counseling is not the safe first step when abuse or coercive control is present. The National Domestic Violence Hotline says an abusive partner may use session disclosures later12. The unequal power can remain. Seek private guidance from a domestic violence specialist. Do not ask a therapist, pastor, or friend to arrange a surprise meeting.

Research can describe patterns but cannot diagnose your partner

The evidence base for this topic is grade C. It is limited and cannot support firm prevalence claims. Direct research on spiritual abuse between partners is thin. Much of the work is qualitative or cross-sectional, which can describe experiences and links but cannot prove cause123. Samples have often been small, selected through services or communities, and centered on women in particular religious settings123.

A small study of abused Haredi Jewish wives described harm to spiritual life, practice, and well-being2. A qualitative study of Christian women described how marriage beliefs and community pressure could shame or silence people experiencing partner violence3. A later scoping review found that religion may support coping and help-seeking in some settings while distorted teachings and poor responses may deepen harm in others1. The research does not treat faith as the cause of abuse. It finds that religious teaching and religious leaders can both deepen harm and support recovery1.

Research on coercive control is broader, but measurement still varies. Studies distinguish a pattern that limits freedom from a single act or an ordinary conflict45. A recent qualitative review found fear, shifting rules, isolation, threats, and limits on money or communication across survivor accounts6. This work cannot tell from a short story what is happening in your relationship. It can help you ask safer questions and choose the right support.

Where science meets the soul

Matthew 23 is a public teaching and prophetic critique near the end of Matthew’s Gospel. Jesus speaks to crowds and disciples after a series of disputes about authority in Jerusalem. The chapter uses sharp rhetoric to expose a gap between religious teaching, conduct, status, and care910.

Matthew 23:4 says, “They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders” (ESV)8. The verse continues by saying that the leaders will not help move those burdens. In its setting, this is about religious authorities who impose demands while refusing the service and mercy their role requires.

New Testament scholar Sharon H. Ringe links the burdens to justice and status. She says such demands fell hard on people with little power. She also connects the passage’s end with service and humility9. Francois P. Viljoen places Matthew 23 at the peak of a rising dispute in Matthew 21 through 22. He argues that the severe response belongs to the Gospel’s plot10. It is not a loose attack without context.

This is an intra-Jewish critique from inside first-century Judaism. It is not a critique of Judaism or of Jewish people. Christian homes and churches can repeat the same behavior, and authorities in any religious tradition can repeat it. Ringe calls the historical conflict a family fight and warns against turning it into Christian polemic against Judaism9.

Viljoen reads the passage as exposing hypocrisy, and both commentaries read it as condemning the search for status910. It also condemns religious demands made without faithful practice or care. Matthew contrasts rule by force with service in Matthew 20:25-2817. Matthew 11:28-30 pictures Jesus’ own yoke as kind rather than crushing18. Ezekiel 34:2-4 condemns shepherds who benefit themselves while failing the weak19. Each text has its own setting. None is a couple therapy method.

The bridge is limited. Matthew 23:4 does not define spiritual abuse, prove a clinical claim, promise change, or command your next step. It shows that claimed religious authority is accountable for what it places on others. The trail-guide comparison stops here. It shows unequal weight, but it is not the Bible’s image and cannot assess danger.

It is wrong to use submission texts to forbid disagreement or outside help. It is wrong to use First Corinthians 7:3-5 to demand sex. One egalitarian reading notes the emphasis falls on mutual giving, not on claiming a right1120. Scripture must never be used to tell someone to stay in danger, submit to control, keep silent about harm, forgive on demand, or provide sex. No view of marriage roles permits control, fear, or coerced sex.

The private pack check

Time: Ten minutes, alone, only if you can do this privately.

This exercise is SOLO and PRIVATE. Never do it jointly. Never show it to your partner. Do not keep written answers if they could be found. You may opt out, close this page, or leave every answer unwritten.

1. Choose one religious rule or demand that affects your daily life. Name the behavior, not the person’s character.
2. Ask four questions: Who gains power from this rule? Who pays the cost? Is it safe for me to disagree? Do the same rules bind the person who makes them?
3. Notice the answer that makes you hesitate. You do not need to explain it away or act on it today.
4. Decide whom to contact next. If fear, punishment, or control is possible, choose a confidential domestic violence advocate first. Add a pastor only if trained in domestic violence. The pastor must protect privacy and not answer to your partner.

Stop if: Privacy changes, you feel watched, or continuing could expose you to retaliation. Do not confront your partner and do not turn the answers into a joint discussion. Use a safer device for help-seeking if monitoring is possible13.

What is known and what is not

What is known: Survivors and researchers describe religious ideas being used to shame, silence, block practice, or excuse other forms of abuse12311. Look at the full pattern: fear, threats, watching, punishment, and loss of choice456. One sentence cannot settle what the pattern means. Current safety guidance favors individual help over couple counseling where abuse is present12.

What is not known: We do not have a sound estimate of how common partner spiritual abuse is. Its definitions and measures are still developing, and studies span different faiths and cultures12. Most of the direct research is interview-based or measured at one point in time, with small samples drawn through services and religious communities. That work can describe what people lived through. It cannot establish cause or frequency123. Research cannot decide a theological debate or identify an abusive person from an article. It also cannot promise what will happen if someone seeks help or leaves.

The practical conclusion is narrow. Treat fear and control as safety concerns. Let a trained advocate assess risk with you. Let trusted faith support join later only when it is informed, independent, and safe.

When to seek urgent help

Seek confidential help now if a partner threatens you, blocks an exit, tracks you, pressures or forces sex, uses physical force, controls money, threatens children or pets, or punishes outside contact. Do not confront the partner. Use a safer device if activity may be monitored. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help with confidential safety planning. Risk can rise around leaving, so make that plan with an advocate rather than announcing it alone1314. Forced or coerced sex by a spouse can be a crime. A confidential advocate can explain what the law provides where you live. Use emergency services now for immediate danger.

Sometimes the person threatening suicide is the partner who frightens you. Treat that threat as a safety matter too. Tell a confidential advocate. The Danger Assessment, a standard domestic violence risk tool, asks whether a partner has threatened or tried to take his own life21. Keeping that person alive is not your job.

If someone you can safely support may be suicidal, first check for an emergency. If the person has made an attempt, has a plan and the means to act on it, or cannot be kept safe where they are, use emergency services now. Otherwise, follow these steps, which draw on the five action steps published by the National Institute of Mental Health15:

1. Ask about suicidal thoughts directly and plainly.
2. Stay together and do not promise secrecy.
3. Reduce access to lethal means now. Store firearms unloaded in a locked safe with ammunition kept separately, or ask a trusted person to hold them until things improve. Keep only small amounts of medicine at home, lock up any that can be misused, and safely throw out what is no longer needed1622.
4. Seek real-time professional guidance and let a trained assessment choose the setting. Suicidal thoughts happening right now call for a same-day evaluation.
5. Stay in touch afterward. Follow-up contact after a crisis, or after a discharge from care, is its own step15.

Contact the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for real-time crisis support. These steps assume that staying near the person does not endanger you. If the person is also threatening you, get to safety and use emergency services.

Frequently asked questions

Is spiritual abuse a mental health diagnosis?

No. Spiritual abuse is a research and clinical framework for describing harm through religious power. It is not a diagnosis, and an article cannot label your partner. Focus on observable behavior: threats, punishment, surveillance, blocked help, or sacred language used to remove choice. A confidential advocate can help you assess safety without requiring a label2411.

What if my partner says disagreement means I reject God?

You do not have to settle the theology before taking fear seriously. Ask privately whether disagreement is safe. Ask if the same rule binds its maker. If punishment or retaliation is possible, do not debate or show your notes. Use a safer device. Contact a confidential domestic violence advocate before any couple talk1213.

Should we ask our pastor to mediate?

Not first when control or abuse may be present. Clergy training varies. A leader tied to your partner may not be independent1. Contact a confidential domestic violence advocate first. Add a pastor only if trained in domestic violence. The pastor must protect your privacy and not answer to your partner. Do not attend a joint meeting.

Can couples therapy fix spiritual abuse?

Couples therapy can help with mutual conflict. Abuse is not a shared communication failure. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage couple counseling in an abusive relationship12. Unequal power remains, and disclosures may be used later. Start with private support from a domestic violence specialist. Any later plan should follow an individual safety review.

Does seeking outside help mean my faith is weak?

No. The research does not treat faith as the cause of abuse. Faith and religious communities can support coping, while distorted teaching or an untrained response can also deepen harm1. Seeking skilled help is not rebellion against God or proof that prayer failed. You may love your church and your partner while still protecting your safety and freedom.

Related reading on NP FADY

• Forgiveness and Reconciliation Are Different Decisions
• Silence That Punishes Is Not the Same as Silence That Protects

References

1. Istratii R, Ali P. A scoping review on the role of religion in the experience of IPV and faith-based responses in community and counseling settings. J Psychol Theol. 2023;51(2):141-173. doi:10.1177/00916471221143440. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/00916471221143440

2. Dehan N, Levi Z. Spiritual abuse: an additional dimension of abuse experienced by abused Haredi (ultraorthodox) Jewish wives. Violence Against Women. 2009;15(11):1294-1310. doi:10.1177/1077801209347619. PMID:19809096. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19809096/

3. Knickmeyer N, Levitt HM, Horne SG. Putting on Sunday best: the silencing of battered women within Christian faith communities. Fem Psychol. 2010;20(1):94-113. doi:10.1177/0959353509347470. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0959353509347470

4. Dutton MA, Goodman LA. Coercion in intimate partner violence: toward a new conceptualization. Sex Roles. 2005;52(11-12):743-756. doi:10.1007/s11199-005-4196-6. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-005-4196-6

5. Myhill A. Measuring coercive control: what can we learn from national population surveys? Violence Against Women. 2015;21(3):355-375. doi:10.1177/1077801214568032. PMID:25680801. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25680801/

6. Choudhury AA, Martland N, Luzon O. Women’s experiences of coercive control in intimate partner relationships: a qualitative systematic review. J Fam Violence. Published online October 3, 2025. doi:10.1007/s10896-025-00970-6. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10896-025-00970-6

7. Campbell JC, Webster D, Koziol-McLain J, et al. Risk factors for femicide in abusive relationships: results from a multisite case control study. Am J Public Health. 2003;93(7):1089-1097. doi:10.2105/AJPH.93.7.1089. PMID:12835191. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.93.7.1089

8. Crossway. Matthew 23:4. English Standard Version. Accessed September 21, 2026. https://www.esv.org/Matthew%2B23%3A4/

9. Ringe SH. Commentary on Matthew 23:1-12. Working Preacher, Luther Seminary. October 30, 2011. https://www.workingpreacher.org/commentaries/revised-common-lectionary/ordinary-31/commentary-on-matthew-231-12-2

10. Viljoen FP. The controversy dialogue leading towards Jesus’ severe response in Matthew 23. In die Skriflig. 2018;52(1):a2349. doi:10.4102/ids.v52i1.2349. https://scielo.org.za/scielo.php?pid=S2305-08532018000100037&script=sci_arttext

11. National Domestic Violence Hotline. What is spiritual abuse? Accessed September 21, 2026. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-spiritual-abuse/

12. National Domestic Violence Hotline. Should I go to couples therapy with my abusive partner? Accessed September 21, 2026. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

13. Safety Net Project, National Network to End Domestic Violence. Technology safety plan: a guide for survivors and advocates. Accessed September 21, 2026. https://www.techsafety.org/resources-survivors/technology-safety-plan

14. Niolon PH, Kearns M, Dills J, et al. Intimate Partner Violence Prevention Resource for Action: A Compilation of the Best Available Evidence. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention; 2017. Revised April 2025. https://www.cdc.gov/violence-prevention/media/pdf/resources-for-action/IPV-Prevention-Resource_508.pdf

15. National Institute of Mental Health. Five action steps to help someone having thoughts of suicide. Revised 2024. Accessed September 21, 2026. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/5-action-steps-to-help-someone-having-thoughts-of-suicide

16. Office of Suicide Prevention, US Department of Veterans Affairs. Secure storage buys time, and time saves lives. September 18, 2026. https://news.va.gov/149403/secure-storage-buys-time-and-time-saves-lives/

17. Crossway. Matthew 20:25-28. English Standard Version. Accessed September 21, 2026. https://www.esv.org/Matthew%2B20/

18. Crossway. Matthew 11:28-30. English Standard Version. Accessed September 21, 2026. https://www.esv.org/Matthew%2B11/

19. Crossway. Ezekiel 34:2-4. English Standard Version. Accessed September 21, 2026. https://www.esv.org/Ezekiel%2B34/

20. Pierce RW. First Corinthians 7: Paul’s neglected treatise on gender. Priscilla Papers. 2009;23(3):8-13. https://www.cbeinternational.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Marriage-and-Singleness-Summer-2009.pdf

21. Campbell JC. Danger Assessment. Johns Hopkins University School of Nursing. Accessed September 21, 2026. https://www.dojmt.gov/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/dangerassessment.pdf

22. Psychological Health Center of Excellence, Department of Veterans Affairs, Department of Defense. Lethal Means Safety Counseling: Recommendations for Providers. Updated December 2024. Accessed September 21, 2026. https://www.healthquality.va.gov/guidelines/MH/srb/Lethal-Means-Safety-Counseling-for-Providers-508.pdf

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This article is for education only. It does not diagnose relationship problems, decide whether a relationship is safe, or replace individualized care. Reading it does not create a clinician-patient relationship.

NP FADY is the editorial and educational presence of Fady Boules, PMHNP-BC. Clinical care is provided through Inland Psychiatric Medical Group (IPMG), a separate entity. Reading this site does not create a clinical relationship.

If you or someone you know is in crisis

• Call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room for any life-threatening emergency.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org, available 24/7, free and confidential. En español: marque 988 y oprima 2, o envíe AYUDA al 988. Deaf or hard of hearing: 988 videophone (ASL) or TTY 711 then 988. Veterans: 988 and press 1, or text 838255.
• Crisis Text Line — text HOME to 741741.
• The Trevor Project (crisis support for LGBTQ+ young people) — call 1-866-488-7386, or text START to 678-678.
• National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN) — call 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or text HOPE to 64673; free, confidential, 24/7. Online chat at RAINN.org/hotline.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline — call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788; 24/7, help in 200+ languages. Online chat at TheHotline.org. If your phone or computer may be monitored, calling from a safer device is an option.
• Riverside County — Inland SoCal Crisis Helpline 951-686-HELP (4357), 24/7 (Inland SoCal United Way / 211+, in partnership with RUHS-BH); Community Access, Referral, Evaluation and Support (CARES) Line 800-499-3008, 24/7.
• San Bernardino County — Access Unit (Behavioral Health Helpline) 888-743-1478, 24/7; Mobile Crisis/CCRT 800-398-0018 (24/7, all ages) or text 909-420-0560. Arrowhead Regional Medical Center (ARMC) has a dedicated walk-in adolescent psychiatric ER (ages 13–17).
• Children under 13 — call 911 for immediate danger, contact your county's mobile crisis team (they respond to all ages), or go to the nearest pediatric emergency room.
• California Peer-Run Warm Line (non-crisis — someone to talk to) — call or text 1-855-600-WARM (9276); daytime and evening hours, not a 24/7 line.
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